Does it Really Matter? – Andrea Leavitt
One question I have pondered personally and been asked professionally is, “Does it Really Matter?” This question often comes from someone whose elder family member or friend has lost physical and/or mental capacity. They are not the same person we once knew.
We wonder –
Do the interactions that used to matter still matter?
Does my loved one know it’s me?
Does my presence matter?
These scenarios are awkward and can be uncomfortable. The ill person can’t or doesn’t respond the way they would have in the past. Maybe they are actively dying or absorbed in a debilitating disease and unable to respond.
Does my presence or my actions matter? How do I deal with the discomfort of the moment?
Comforting words, Touch and Music are some foundations for interactions like these. They bring meaning, warmth and connection.
There are terrific resources available on this topic.
My favorite is the following video of Naomi Feil & Gladys Wilson from the documentary There is a Bridge.
The short answer to the question – “Does it Really Matter?” is Yes. Whatever you bring to the elder – brief or lingering, matters.
It all matters.
Recently my Dad died from Alzheimer’s. There are moments I thought it didn’t and then he would share a part of himself I never would of seen as a daughter. I spent time with him walking in the park and he would tell me he thought it was so nice they brought in such colorful trees and planted them so we would have so much color. I learned to let go of who I was to him and who he was to me and just be present to him. This allowed him to stay calm. He was right. No need to argue. And that made it so he could just share his thoughts. I got to see his kindness he never showed before his dementia.
I got to hold his hand and tell him to stop breathing as he passed away. I never would have been able to do that if I didn’t let go of our relationship and have a new one with him every time I went to visit.
Thank you for doing what you do.
Pamela, what wisdom you developed to treasure the journey and what a blessing for your father to have a daughter with such love and grace. To let go made room for something new. All the best, AgeWise