I Wish We’d Stop Using This Word – Caroline Dawson
Please try this experiment with me – It’s will take moments. Just substitute a couple words for another and try the change on for size. Ready?
Let’s substitute “Wish” for “Should”:
“They should do more.” vs “I wish they would do more.”
Just semantics? Try it on. Say each out-loud:
“They should do more.”(I’m sitting here hypothetically typing out this scenario and just saying this statement out loud I feel my jaw tighten and I’m ready to be on the defensive. – How about you?)
vs.
“I wish they would do more.”(I found myself taking a breath right before saying this sentence out loud, and considering what I might need help with. )
Should: My defenses are up. I already know I’m in the right and “they” are wrong.
Wish: I acknowledge I need help. I’m thinking about options – and I wish they would help me more.
Let’s try another one:
“They should stay in their own home.”(My eyebrows furrow just saying this. Again, I’m feeling defensive like it’s my job to guard this statement regardless of consequence and if I don’t I have failed. …I should have tried harder.)
vs.
“I wish they would stay in their own home.”(Sometimes wishes illuminate great goals. This statement prompts questions – what would it take for them to stay in their own home? In what circumstances would it not be feasible to do so?)
Should: (Closed minded) “This is the only (right) way.” “All other options are wrong and equal failure”
Wish: (Open minded) Wishes can light the way – and that light often reveals obstacles clearly. This is helpful because it reveals concrete needs that need to be addressed.
This word: should, does not help you, your loved one or client and I wish we’d stop using it.
This word makes it more difficult to plan for and provide care for your aging elder. And here’s why:
Should shuts the conversations down and shames. It creates barriers in a situation that needs support and cooperation. Wish, well, a wish isn’t going to suddenly manifest assets or options or a spare caregiver. What it does do, is open us to 1. Acknowledging the Need and 2. Considering solutions.
Here’s what flipping the scrip – and substituting “Wish” might really look like:
“It shouldn’t cost so much.” (End of thought.)
…”I wish it didn’t cost so much.” (continues the thought) “This costs more than can be afforded.” “We either need to make a different choice about care or find more financial support.” “Hey what ever happened to that VA Aid and Attendance application?” “Maybe we need to talk to a finical advisor?” “Who can we ask for support or guidance?”
A Compass Guide Us
There are many choices ahead. What will be your guide? The thought stopping combo of Should & Shame OR your concrete needs, illuminated by wishes?
Next time you are on the giving or receiving end of a Should – give Wish a try.